Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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