my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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