we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
