Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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