Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
