Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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