I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
We have started to decorate penises.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
