VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
