I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Randomize
