A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
