What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
