He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Randomize
