last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He? As in you personified your dick?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
