I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
