I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
