you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
