Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
