i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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