All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Randomize
