I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
