We need to start having sex underwater more often.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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