If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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