she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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