Umm I'm too high to move.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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