how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
