So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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