Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Randomize
