bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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