I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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