I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
