she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
