hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
How naked do you want me to be?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
