Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
