I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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