your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
