It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
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lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
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Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.