nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
