I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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