Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
