Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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