you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I wear drunk well.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
