The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
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