I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
