mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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