hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
