There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
