I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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