...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
