I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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