I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Only a mothe r could love this liver
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I believe in your delicious
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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