At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
