Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
